**FYI, I've been tweaking and re-posting this for awhile, so if you read it early Sunday afternoon, a few things might have changed.

Ok, so I just spent the last day and a half rereading all three of the Twilight books. Number four comes out at the beginning of August, so I knew I wanted to reread them before then anyway, but I didn't know I would find them so compelling the second time around that I would have to read them all in the space of 48 hours. Wow, this is embarrassing. You may remember from the last time I read this series that I was less than impressed with the writing, the main characters, the believability (or lack thereof)... and I can't say that a reread a year later has changed my mind on any of that. Yup, they're still emotionally overwrought, unapologetically unrealistic, romantic fantasies that at times have me laughing out loud at how brazenly Stephenie Meyer appeals to girls' (and women's) most stereotypically feminine desires. Now, I don't personally think Meyer puts all that much thought into this--I think she's more or less writing her own subconscious fantasy--but if she did, I imagine this is how the conversation in her mind would go:
"Hmm, in order to rival J.K. Rowling in the YA fantasy market, I need something that will draw large numbers of readers. Girls are the majority of teen readers, and we've already seen how enduringly swoon-worthy a character like Mr. Darcy is, so all I need is one really, really good romantic lead and I've got 'em! Let's see... he'll have to be handsome, obviously--but more than handsome... otherworldly handsome. We'll make him ridiculously strong, too, so he can always protect the girl, no matter what. Looks like I'll have to put her in danger a lot, so he'll have something to save her from. Shall I make her klutzy or reckless or just have really, really bad luck? Aw, what the heck--make it all three! And throw in a death-wish for good measure. We'll make him a musician--girls can never resist that. How about a classical pianist? That's pretty yummy. Rich, naturally, so he can shower her with expensive gifts. An utter gentleman, who would never, ever hurt her or pressure her... in fact...hmm, would they believe it if all he ever wanted to do was cuddle? Oh yeah, easily. And yet, he also needs to be dangerous...how could I work that out? The perfect mix of bad boy and Mr. Right... and it wouldn't hurt if he was a little tortured and moody too... Oh! Of course! I'll make him a VAMPIRE!"

And the rest was history. See, they trick you with these artful, metaphorical covers of flowers and apples and chess pieces. If they were completely honest about these books, the cover would look like this:


Ok, well, I'll give Stephenie Meyer this much: aside from writing the most mouth-watering vampire since Angel, she does write a good action scene. And I found all the scenes with Alice (Edward's precognitive vampire sister) a lot funnier this time around (as they were meant to be). Actually, I wouldn't mind reading a novel or two with Alice as the main character, come to think of it.

Anyway, clearly I'm not the only intelligent woman to succumb to Meyer's spell. Even guys are jumping aboard, strangely. There's a fairly popular website called Twilight Guy, about a guy who's reading the books for the first time, and now and then he publishes letters he's gotten from other guys who have read the books. Pretty funny. My favorite part, though, was his speculation about something that anyone who's a serious fan of an author like Meyer or Rowling wonders from time to time... if I were a world-famous super-author, what would I do? And one more response to that question because it's pretty funny.

So, why am I spending so much time blogging about a book that I'm so clearly ambivalent about (in fact, you might say that I'm torn between the two halves of my nature--the rational, logical side that wants to protect myself and others from such appallingly sensationalistic literature and the insatiable, book-crazed side that will fight her way to the front of the bookstore on August 2nd to get her hands on Breaking Dawn ...almost like a... oh, nevermind...) ? Well, because my dear friend, Kandice, who is also a reluctant fan of the Twilight series, and I are going to Stephenie Meyer's concert-slash-book-reading event in Chicago in a few weeks when I'm down there visiting. See, apparently, Meyer has a certain selection of songs that she listen[s/ed] to while writing her books, and, nice fan-centric author that she is, she's made that playlist available online and has hired a musician to perform a concert of those songs as he accompanies her around the country on a book tour. Now, some people might claim that an author who goes to these lengths to promote her own book takes herself just a teensy bit too seriously. Some people. Who's names I don't know...

Ok, enough trash-talking Stephenie Meyer. It's my own humiliation at falling for her tricks that's talking here. Go read Twilight. Join me in my shame.

And if you *still* want to hear more about this series, read these articles:

• A Virginal Goth Girl
• In Which an Adult Male Reads Twilight
• Inside the Twilight Saga

And because I just can't get offline, a hilarious comic that sums up this entire post in the last panel...

And, another one.

Aaaand a chapter-by-chapter parody rewrite of book one by the same person, which made me choke on my crackers and swiss cheese. *Warning: language.

Labels: books

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Saturday, July 12, 2008